Here’s my problem. I’m just realizing I cannot simply ‘be’, exist or sit still. These are all words I use to describe where God has me right now. Its difficult to write the words, “God has me” because deep down I find it hard to believe that God allows any of us to simply do nothing. We are made to be productive. We are made to do something, set goals, accomplish them, strive for greater things. We are called to serve one another, love one another, work hard, gain wealth (according to the world) and check items off the ‘to do list’ EVERY DAY. And so it goes, on and on and on and my anxiety level is through the roof. I think I even encouraged you to write goals in my last blog.
You see I’ve been employed since I was fifteen years old. There was no time off for raising children. I never had a husband completely support me. I’ve NEVER been unemployed for more than a month or two because I’ve always had rent or a mortgage to pay, usually on my own.
At the time of this writing, I’ve been unemployed/retired for eighteen months. Yes, in those eighteen months, I’ve finished and self-published a book, conducted two book signings, 3-5 speaking engagements and served in many areas at my church, BUT I’m not currently adding to the household income. So, am I a productive member of society if I’m not earning money? I guess that’s a standard I’ve had for myself.

Many women obtain part of their self-worth through motherhood. They feel a sense of accomplishment in that they brought life into the world (as they should). I don’t have that accomplishment to fall back on. I’m just realizing, I’m more like a lot of men who obtain self-worth through a career. My head and heart know I’m supposed to get my self-worth solely through my identity in Christ. I thought I did, but apparently, I need to remind myself regularly. Maybe this is my wake-up call.

I thank God for the career I’ve had. It’s been satisfying and a decent income too. However, my retired husband, just returned to full-time work and my feelings are all over the place and the enemy is using it to attack me. I’m feeling guilty, confused, useless and a little directionless.

When these feelings remain in my head, they seem overwhelming and as if they’re reality. But when they’re in front of me on paper, the falsehood becomes apparent. Let’s look at each of these feelings individually and shed God’s light of truth on them.
 
1) Guilt: well, that is an evil spirit that keeps us paralyzed. My husband doesn’t expect or even desire for me to go back to work. He prefers I take care of our home and concentrate on my ministry. Guilt is something NO child of God should accept. Guilt & Condemnation are weapons of the enemy. Conviction is VERY different and sometimes necessary, but the Holy Spirit will NEVER put guilt and condemnation on us. So, I rebuke that, in the name of Jesus.
2) Confused: If I stay busy without centering myself to spend quiet time with Jesus, then my mind will move in many different directions. Shalom – peace – spend quiet time with the Father.
3) Useless: This is a LIE from the pit of hell. God loves me and is using me on a daily basis. God is using my book to minister to those who read it and as I mentioned, I serve in many ways at my local church. I must remind myself I am not my own, but was purchased with a price so it is not I who live but Christ who lives in me, which means I am EXCEPTIONAL. Also, we are not what we DO. Our worth is found in Christ alone.

     Titus 3:4-6 (ASV) But when the kindness of God our Savior, and his love toward man, appeared, 5 not by works done in righteousness, which we did ourselves, but according to his mercy he saved us, through the [a]washing of regeneration [b]and renewing of the Holy Spirit, 6 which he poured out upon us richly, through Jesus Christ our Savior

4) Directionless: He will direct my path once I learn to center myself in spiritual reality and NOT listen to the lie(s) of the enemy.
        Prov. 16:9(ESV) The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.
        Psalm 37:23(AKJV) The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord: and he delighteth in his way.

When we allow the lies of the enemy to remain in the dark recesses of our mind, they grow like tumors. When exposed to God’s light of truth, they can be revealed and healed. I am thankful I took time to get this out of my head. I was writing today as time spent with God and for processing my emotions, but I’m choosing to post as a blog, in hopes that if you possess similar feelings you will be encouraged. While striving for the call placed on our life is a good thing, do not let it be the ONLY thing. Do not think you are WHAT YOU DO. You are loved for who you are – made in the image of God.

If you take time with the Lord in prayer and in His word, you too can shed HIS merciful light on the lies of the enemy and reach TRUE FREEDOM AND REST THROUGH GOD’S LOVE! Let God be LORD OF OUR EMOTIONS today and every day! God bless you.
 
The image for this blog is a book I’m currently reading by the amazing, Mark Rutland, and a quote from it that really spoke to me. I hope you enjoy it too.

​Matthew 29 (NIV) 18 Early in the morning, as Jesus was on his way back to the city, he was hungry. 19 Seeing a fig tree by the road, he went up to it but found nothing on it except leaves. Then he said to it, “May you never bear fruit again!” Immediately the tree withered. 20 When the disciples saw this, they were amazed. “How did the fig tree wither so quickly?” they asked.
21 Jesus replied, “Truly I tell you, if you have faith and do not doubt, not only can you do what was done to the fig tree, but also you can say to this mountain, ‘Go, throw yourself into the sea,’ and it will be done. 22 If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer.”
 
The strangest things can bring us out of a low mood. My continence was down this morning and I felt overwhelmed with my task list, so what did I do? The one thing that was NOT on my list. I did what I “wanted” to do. I went outside to spray deer repellent on my fig tree/bush (see pictures). I’m not sure if our tree/bush qualifies as a tree, since it’s still so small but for the purpose of easier typing, I’m going to refer to it as a tree. You can look at my pictures and let me know what you think. Is it a tree or bush? We’ll take a poll in the comments.
My sweet neighbor, Mickey (female) gave me a deer repellent recipe several years ago made up of egg, milk, hot sauce and water which the deer don’t like, but is easy for me to wash off. I’ve used it on many plants over the years.... tomatoes, roses, day-lilies, etc.
This morning, I was able to find a few ripe figs on the tree and after a quick rinse, I ate them. Suddenly, I remembered the scripture about Jesus not being happy when there were NO figs on the fig tree along the road that morning. I can completely understand his frustration and disappointment because they are VERY TASTY and make a great breakfast.
I never knew I liked figs so much until we moved to this house seven years ago. The small fig tree was already here and I was surprised to find a few figs our second summer. When I tasted them, I was shocked at how good they were! I found my new favorite fruit that I could grow in my own backyard! Or at least that’s what I thought in 2013.
Sadly, the next couple of seasons the few figs the tree produced were eaten by the deer or ants before I got to them (learned that lesson). The next years the tree had a few figs that we enjoyed and then we had a couple of harsh winters with snow. So the little fig tree did NOT produce, at all, for a couple of summers. I thought it might have died altogether but the tree produced green leaves those summers...but no figs. The small fig tree was still trying to get established but it was frustrating not having figs since I loved them so much.
BUT THIS YEAR, 2019....in early spring when I saw signs of life and a few buds, I prayed over it! I placed my hand on a branch and asked Jesus to protect it and make it produce, so I could enjoy figs this year. Well much to my surprise and excitement, THERE HAVE BEEN A LOT OF FIGS this year! If you’ve never tasted a fresh fig right off the tree, I encourage you to do so. I think you’ll be hooked too. Be sure to eat them when they’re fully ripe because that’s when they are juicy, squishy and sweet.
What a beautiful teaching Jesus was giving to the disciples that morning and to ME this summer. Jesus was fully human AND fully God so I believe his human side desired to eat figs that morning but his Godly side wanted to teach the apostles about faith and the great things they would do, in his name.
I believe he used this same example to teach me (and now you) what can be accomplished if we only ASK and BELIEVE!
Thank you, Lord that you care enough about each of us and the lost souls around us, to teach us to pray and believe for the miraculous! NOTHING is too hard for our God. NEVER DOUBT, but ask in Jesus’ name and then stand back and watch Jesus do the impossible THROUGH YOU!! He wants US to perform some of the same miracles he did when he was on earth, but he said ‘even greater things’!
Have faith today, my friend and know that you serve a MIGHTY GOD who wants to use simple people like you and me to perform the miraculous! So, go bear fruit! God bless you.
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